Some madmen and numbers it’s good to know

2008-11-03

Amusingly enough, there is a whole host of people who live, or who have lived, their lives beyond the margins, beyond society. Outsiders, as they are generally called. I would not consider myself in that category; I’m a little too laid back and traditional to qualify for being on the outside. Even though my job as an artist makes me, to a certain extent, an outsider.

Yet I have always been fascinated by extremes. Mainstream has never been my thing. This has led to me becoming a living reference book as far as unusual stories, destiny and tall stories are concerned. I might, in fact, say that I can tell stories about people of whom no-one has any idea. You can’t call this impressive, though. Most people would file this knowledge under ‘Not necessary to know’. Despite this, I continue my hunt for more knowledge in this trivial area.

For example, I recently got wind of an American lawyer who bought a box of 24 very exclusive cigars, which he insured. This included insurance against fire. A month later, once the cigars had been smoked, he contacted the insurance company and asked for a payout. You see, the cigars had burned in a number of ‘minor fires’. The insurance company naturally refused the lawyer any money, upon which the lawyer summoned the insurance company to court. And he won! The lawyer left the court 15,000 dollars richer. However, the insurance company then filed against the lawyer – for arson! 24 counts of arson, to be more precise. The insurance company won the dispute and the lawyer ended up in prison for two years and had to pay fines of 24,000 dollars.

Or what can you say about a customer who rang his telephone support line about his computer, from Roswell in the USA. The person on the support line joked and asked whether the customer had seen any UFOs, but the customer laughed and denied it, until revealing that in fact he was on holiday in Roswell hoping to see a UFO or two. Well, the customer placed an order and support asked for the customer’s e-mail address. The customer replies:
‘E-mail! I would never have anything to do with the Internet or modems! You have to be careful with these things. Don’t you know that as soon as you’ve installed a modem the government can check on your computer and see everything you do? That’s why I always turn the screen towards the wall when I go to bed...’

Well, as my devoted readers will know by this stage I have been able to present some wacky events of my own from my life. I’d like to round off this text by telling yet another story, even though it perhaps isn’t in the same league as the ones above.

A few years ago, a good friend and I were renovating some basement premises. My friend was meant to saw a few pieces of wood (using a saw we bought in a pound shop). No sooner said than done, he set about the job but managed to saw his thumb. Pretty well and truly, too. In front of my eyes, I saw my friend turn completely white and I just managed to catch him before he fainted. Of course, I was panicking but I pulled out my mobile and rang for an ambulance.
As soon as someone answered, I explained what had happened and at which address we needed an ambulance, upon which a voice at the other end said:
‘You are through to directory enquiries, but I’ll connect you to the emergency services. Free of charge.’

After this faux pas, I’ve heard innumerable times that it’s reassuring to have me there at a variety of occasions. If anything should happen, I always know the number for directory enquiries...

Yours,
Mathias


Name: Mathias Evert Öster
Age: 32
Work: Artist and administrator
Lives: Arboga, Västmanland, Sweden
Family: Wife Linda and two teenage boys.
Interests: Art & culture, cigars, good food, travel, long distance running and most things to do with fashion & health.
Bedtime reading: Mainly magazines on fashion and technology.
Listening to: Basic mental training by Uneståhl. Sports people like to listen to this, I’ve heard. Clearly useful for a stressed soul.
Favourite product right now: Maxim’s products to counter perspiration. Perfect for the summer!